A Modest Proposal for Solving Every National Problem

Olds talk about ice the way younger people talk about nuclear war or Trumpeteers talk about Muslim immigrants.  "You don't know when it will hit you.  You walk out your door in the morning and woosh you're down.  Then you're done." And don't get me started about Stair Terror. We tip toe down one step at a time, each tread a threat to our lives.  So, the real, deep question is: what the hell are we afraid of?  Death?  Please.  My favorite mother-in-law at 90 slipped in her shower and died.  We were very sad, but other than the very rare "she died peacefully in her sleep", that was a good way to go out.

So, I had a thought: the solution to our health care mess, a way to revolutionize our armed services, and a method for dramatically reducing costs all in one fell swoop (pun).  Draft everyone over 65 into the military. It is incredibly sad to lose young people who have their whole lives in front of them.  But how unhappy are we really when an ice shard carrying wrinklers sinks into the sea.  "Well, they had their lives.  Thank god there were no kids skating near by."

In my plan, youngsters would no longer be eligible for the military but could stay at home and screw up their lives without government interference (wouldn't Republicans like that?).  If the rare youth still wanted to do something serviceable, our country could maintain a national reserve, but only for helping hurricane victims or getting kittens out of trees.

So how would this work? First, the modern gender-blind army makes this possible. Weapons aren't as heavy as they used to be and no one marches anymore, as far as I can tell from watching television.  Soldiers ride in big armored vehicles, and a lot of the fighting is done remotely. As for flying planes, much of this is done automatically, and, if not, I'm sure plenty of Olds would love to be fighter jockeys (is that the word?).  Olds can do all those things, maybe not as efficiently or quickly as the young people, but we'd get the job done eventually.  And if/when we become gaga, the Army can pat us on the back and set us off to wander along mine-filled roads or into villages where snipers watch from second-floor windows. As for casualties, there are so many of us that the country could experience very heavy losses and still have plenty of grunts to fill in the gaps.

Second, we would save our national economy.  The country already pays for our health care and our social security, and once our mass induction was implemented, that cash would pass into the defense budget. The costs to the military wouldn't increase with the sudden influx of us old-comers, because we'd be swapping out the kids.  And because there would be no families to support, the defense budget might actually decline.  In addition, most nursing homes would become obsolete, eliminating many Medicaid dollars. Taxes would go down!! Mexico wouldn't have to pay for the wall! All the cash now earmarked for entitlement programs could be spent on fixing the infrastructure, paying for college, improving education, supporting child care programs -- in general making the lives of young people better instead of sending them off to be wounded or killed in terrible places or facing life-long trauma after seeing their friends murdered and murdering others. 

And what joy for us Olds.  We would be serving our country. Our old age would have a purpose. We wouldn't have to worry about our kids supporting us.  The military would only need to provide therapists to help us dig into our memories and recover the courage we had in our youth.  The reckless joy in climbing rocks and trees, of skiing down hills where we shouldn't, of going into caves, of riding between subway cars.  We would need to reawaken the young criminal instincts that made violence appealing, which receded with hormone levels or were shoved back into our subconscious. Olds made young again.

And imagine the telegram. "We regret to inform you that your Granny died trying to save her comrades by walking unarmed into enemy fire." Certainly a better ending then, "We regret to inform you that your Granny died slipping downstairs because she was only wearing her socks."